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Dear Friends,
Happy Holidays
from HearMePlay.com! I hope you enjoyed October's edition of our
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Married
Musicians: The Ultimate Duet
A marriage between musicians…it sounds like the ideal marriage of
life love and life passion. Who better to share the journey with than
someone who understands your appreciation for music and how it fuels
you?
It looks perfect on paper, but much like going from sheet music to
an actual performance, real people are involved which can lead to
real problems. While there are numerous benefits to a marriage of
musicians, they are not immune to unique relationship challenges.
Let's start with the good stuff:
- Sharing in the creative process. Marriages are often
made up of an individual who is more left-brained, and who infuses
the union with creativity and passion, and a more right-brained
thinker, who keeps life stable with things like logic and investments.
But with two musicians, you have a union of two artists who share
the vulnerability and excitement inherent to the creative process.
"Few things bond us like composing together," says Lauren, a vocalist
for a Christian rock band. Her husband Chuck, who plays the bass
guitar, adds, "We're more in connection when we're creating together.
When you're in that creative process, you're sharing a part of
your soul with the one person you trust most in this world. It
doesn't get any better than that."
- Sharing in a dream. Since dreams are what get us out
of bed in the morning, having a drive outside of your day job
that your spouse not only understands, but shares, is incredibly
powerful.
"From the beginning," says Jack, a trumpet player for a brass
band, "Lisa and I shared the dream of starting our own music school
someday." Lisa, a director of symphony education, adds "It was
never about fame or prestige for us. Both Jack and I had some
really great music teachers, and some who should have had their
instruments yanked by the state. We want to pass on the greatness
in music education that was handed to us as lifelong students
of music, and eliminate the outdated, sometimes verbally and emotionally
abusive tactics that can dissuade young musicians from their relationship
with music."
"Educating young musicians is really our calling, I guess you'd
say," Jack muses. "And having the same calling can only strengthen
a relationship." While both Jack and Lisa give private lessons
part-time, they look forward to when their small children are
a bit older so that they can parlay their experience into their
dream-come-true.
- Greater mutual understanding. When you understand the
creative process, the pitfalls of performance, practice headaches,
rejection, praise, and all the other tumultuous and rewarding
aspects of life as a musician, you can support your partner more
fully, and help keep the passion in perspective.
"Because my wife gets the often rewarding, sometimes defeating,
cycle of life as a musician, she helps me stay motivated. She
reminds me that music isn't something I do…it's something I am,"
says folk musician Ray. His wife Ann, a classical pianist, adds,
"And he keeps me grounded when my artist self gets too temperamental
and unreasonable!"
- You get hired more. Huh? No really, it's true. Right
or wrong, a popular perception is that married musicians are more
stable, in a world of musicians who can be flaky or unreliable
in the name of being "artists."
According to Kenny Barron, one of the most highly regarded jazz
pianists of our time, it's true. In an interview with Jazz Review
(www.jazzreview.com),
he recounts when he was just nineteen that Dizzy Gillespie hired
him, when he hadn't even heard Kenny play yet. "I think Dizzy
felt that married musicians were more stable and reliable. For
the most part, that's probably true. When you have bills to pay,
you take care of business," Kenny said.
And then there are, of course, the hurdles:
- Constructive criticism (that feels more deconstructive).
What you might perceive as constructive musical support can often
feel like more of an ambush on your spouse.
"While I can take helpful criticism from other members of our
band," says Lauren, "when Chuck does it, I want to throttle him."
Although working together is a definite challenge for any marriage,
it's even more so for musicians, because musical expression and
talent are very personal, creative things.
Chuck says, "You feel like the criticism is harsher coming from
your spouse, because it's coming from someone who is supposed
to root for you, and protect you." He adds, "You feel like the
person who knows you're deepest fears is attacking your personal
creativity, and that person 'should know you're trying your best.'
You can get really bogged down in that stuff if you're not careful,
so we set pretty firm boundaries about how to help each other,
not knock each other down."
- Travel and family life. Inherent in most musical careers
is the need to travel, which often means that spouses are in different
places at different times. This time apart can definitely wear
on the strongest of marriages.
"We have a four-year old, and a nine-month old baby," says Lisa.
"When Jack is often away with the brass band at night and on the
weekends, it gets tough. I work all week with the symphony, and
sometimes have to travel myself. Even though I know music is what
brought us together, sometimes it feels like that's what pulls
us apart."
"It's hard, adds Jack. "I start resenting that our musical careers
aren't more in synch with family life, but such is the nature
of the business. No job is perfect, and music overall brings invaluable
joy and expression to our family time when we can be together."
- Different goals, same marriage. While all musicians have
individual goals and desires, some marriages have a tough time
reconciling these into one life direction.
Perfect San Franciscan musical couple Steve, a pianist, and Naomi,
a vocalist, married right out of college, where they had studied
music together. Soon their differing musical paths and motivations
forked in the road. "His career was taking off," recalls Naomi,
"but I needed to go to New York. It was in my blood…I just knew
that's where I'd make it."
"We agreed that Naomi should go to New York, because we both knew
she'd resent me if she didn't," adds Steve. "We told ourselves,
as young couples do, that we could conquer the distance, which,
as it turned out, was more than geographical."
Naomi did make it, on Broadway, in fact. Steve continues to enjoy
local success in San Francisco, and is happily remarried to a
local music teacher.
"I blame the optimism of youth, as well as our different goal
structures, for what happened to us," says Naomi. "Had we really
talked about what we wanted as individuals within the marriage,
before we got married, we may have spared each other a lot of
pain."
The joys and turmoil of musical marriages are innumerable. So, what's
the bottom line to a musical marriage that works? "Respect," says
traditional country duo Dick and Lois Meis, also dubbed Colorado's
first couple of country. In an interview with Westword magazine, the
Meises report that "musical issues are resolved after the gig, and
each of them defers to the other's musical strengths when it comes
to decisions."
Oh, and what's love got to do with it? Everything.
To read Jazz Review's Kenny Barron interview in its entirety, go
to http://www.jazzreview.com/articledetails.cfm?ID=83
To read the full Meis interview with Westword, go to http://www.westword.com/issues/2001-08-09/music.html
Dear Music Wizard,
My fiancée and I are 2 members of a reasonably-successful 5-person
band. We compose together. We perform together. Music is an integral
part of our relationship, but our well-intentioned peers keep telling
us that married musicians need "firm boundaries." What does that mean
in real life?
- Harmoniously Engaged
Dear Harmoniously Engaged,
While boundaries are necessary for any healthy marriage, it gets a
little more complicated for musicians, especially those who harmonize
together. Because you share your lives and a very creative work process,
it can be difficult to set boundaries. Here are some that work for
married musicians:
- Find personal space. Be sure to schedule time apart from each
other, even if it's going to the bookstore or taking a walk by
yourself.
- Also schedule time away from the band, as you can sometimes
feel married to all members.
- Be clear about how each of you needs your partner to speak to
you when attempting constructive criticism, so that musical critique
doesn't infect the marriage.
- Be clear about your musical goals, and make sure they are in
sync. Ask yourselves what would happen if one of you had to go
across the country for a career opportunity? How does your current
musical commitment and future dreams affect dreams of children
and family? How long do you see yourselves in the band? Where
do you see your life beyond the band?
Most importantly, honor respectful boundaries with each other, but
also honor the process and let creativity in. Boundaries are important,
but creativity happens when it happens.
--The Music Wizard
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For married couples
who share the same professional passions, you might think that working
together seems like a perfect way to spend more time together. While
that's certainly true, it's also true that this extra time can lead
to a less than harmonious relationship. To make the most of this unique
situation, experts advise:
Make Time for Each Other.
When you're working many hours to keep your music going, it may seem
like you are spending lots of time with your spouse. But, like many
other things in life, it's not the quantity of time you spend, it's
the quality!
Diligently set up a time each week for "date night" where the two
of you can rekindle the romance in your relationship. Establish a
time each evening where you can speak openly and honestly about your
dreams and concerns, and, together, set up a plan for your future.
Develop Strong Communication Skills.
Make a commitment to each other to talk about things as they arise,
rather than sidestep issues. Actively listen and speak to each other
honestly while respecting each other's feeling and reactions.
Encourage Mutual Respect.
Even though you may share the same interests, and a profound love
for one another, it's easy to forget that your share different thoughts,
beliefs, feelings, reactions, areas of expertise, backgrounds and
goals. By remembering that you are each precious human beings, you'll
learn the respect that will keep your relationship moving forward.
Negotiate and Compromise.
Marriage, just like the teaching, development, and performance
of music, is filled with negotiation and compromise. Take the time
to find a middle ground that will satisfy both of you, while still
allowing the music to flow freely.
http://www.work-at-home-index.net/featurearticle244.html
7 Valuable Tips for Working with Your Spouse
http://www.family.org/married/youngcouples/a0020801.cfm
Being a Rocking Father
http://www.violinist.com/discussion/response.cfm?ID=3746
To Marry: Musician or Non-Musician?
http://www.entrepreneur.com/Your_Business/YB_Node/0,4507,551,00.html
Family business article
http://www.familybusinessmagazine.com
Family Business magazine
http://www.familybusinessinnovations.com
A family business management resource
At HearMePlay.com,
we're dedicated to readers like you who are looking to make a living
in the music world - even if it's not through performance or music
instruction. Below are some fundraising ideas, grants and scholarship
opportunities to keep music alive in your world and ours!
http://www.nagcbritain.org.uk/activities/funds.html
Links to award information for young musicians
http://mi.edu/admissions/financial_aid.htm
The Musicians Institute
https://www.mbf.org.uk/ngen_public/default.asp
The Musicians Benevolent Fund
http://www.amc.net/resources/grants/recording.html
The American Music Center
http://fdncenter.org/learn/useraids/music.html
User Aid for Musicians
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